I’m Afraid…

I’m just going to be honest with you. I’m afraid.

I’m afraid to be seen.  I’m afraid of who I am and who I’m not.  I’m afraid of not living. I’m afraid of living. I’m afraid of letting go. I’m afraid of being different. I’m afraid of being the same.

We live in a world filled of judgement.

People are quick to judge you based on what they can see on the outer layers of your life. The way you look,  the way you respond in the first few moments of meeting someone new, your social media.  People unknowingly sculpt you into the you they choose to see you as, and then they never care to actually get know you and evaluate their i
mage of you.  I’ve learned, though, that that is their problem, not mine.

I’m not going to lie, when the new Instagram stories came out, it scared me a little bit. Ok it still scares me.  Yes there is Snapchat and I use it, but it’s mostly people who know me in real life.  Therefore, I treat it accordingly. I know my “limits” of what I’m comfy with, though still slightly afraid.  However, with Instagram, a lot of people who don’t know me follow me.  These stories put a face behind the gram. That scares me. I’m afraid people will see glimpses of me.  I’m afraid they won’t like me or that I won’t be what they expected. I’m afraid I won’t be up to par with their standards.  I want to use the stories, but I’m afraid to.

I’ve put myself in this restrictive box. I’ve followed the “rules” that came from who knows where because there are no rules. I’ve limited living life because I didn’t want people to think poorly of me. I’ve restricted myself. I’ve held back emotions and feelings because I didn’t want people to judge me.  The harsh reality is that they are judging n matter what you do.  I can’t control what they are thinking. Who am I to give those “people” power over my life when their opinion doesn’t even have to affect me.

I even split my “internet” life with my “real” life on social media. No, I’m NOT a porn star. I’ve created this virtual reality for me to live in.  Most of the time I enjoy it more than my actual life, and that’s probably because I feel a little freer.  I have a “secret” Twitter account, Youtube account…2 channels actually, and this blog.  I leave Facebook for the “real” life.  The only place that the two worlds slightly overlap is Instagram and Snapchat.

I’ve decided to simply stop.  I don’t mean stop being myself or even to stop being afraid. I’ve decided to stop allowing myself to not be me and express myself because I’m afraid.  I think i’ll just be me from now on, even if it means I still have to feel the fear but “do it afraid” like Joyce Meyer says in her book “Living Courageously.”

God created me different on purpose! He created you different on purpose! He didn’t do it so that we would sit back in our comfortable box where no one can see us because we don’t fit into societies standards of “normal.”

I hope by sharing this, you also decide to simply stop, even if it doesn’t feel so simple.

~Danni~

P.S. I’m afraid to share this…. my thoughts, BUT i’m doing it anyway. 🙂